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2013 reflection and 2014 redo  
04:03pm 13/01/2014
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.



-get the tattoo i want in replacement of piercing or vice versa. got my lip done in  2011.  bored again.  i think i'm finally okay with this.  maybe redo belly button or tongue, have considered nipple/s, but pretty eh about the whole thing.
-continue to be decisive, especially in regards to school and work, and relationships...must continue to communicate choices better.
-find a balance between decisiveness and sentimentality.
-complete tasks [for the day, the week, the month] and acknowledge that effort.
-start wearing real pants more often.
-be more responsive.
-set goals.  do your best to make a concrete 10 year plan that is doable, exciting, and in a satisfying direction.  in 10 years you'll be 34!  what do you want accomplished?  where will you be?  what will you be doing?
-declare a major however, double majoring is ruining my life, so might change depending on discussion with FA about law school and trinidad experience...success! great discussion, left with a double major and minor with reasonable direction if not fairly solid plans
-after discussion, appropriate research in decided direction
-continue to enjoy personal oxymoronic tendencies. while this has been steady, i need to shake paranoia, and continue to work on this.  rather than shake paranoia, perhaps work on not caring as much?
-play more (harmless!!!!!! and not annoying!!!!!) tricks...still a little overbearing at times, but learning.
-continue my healthy eating and gym routine but not drop my b.m.i. below 18.5 or 122 lbs (currently 19.5-6/129 lbs)...and maintaining personal awareness of potentially compulsive behavior. i want to start being more vegan again (working in an italian restaurant didn't bode well for that lifestyle. healthy eating. success and continue these efforts.
-in that vein, don't be afraid to examine past stresses and issues.  remember they cannot hurt you, and you might even be pleasantly surprised with the outcome!
-be more open minded about people and events.  stop wrinkling your nose at everything!
-watch more u.c.b
-go on a road trip and have it not fall through. seriously. fuck extenuating circumstances.  AGAIN.  thinking about turning it into a bike tour though?
-write down music i hear and like and download it asap instead of baking out and forgetting.
-back up my fucking computer!  regularly!
-more arts and crafts
-better dental hygiene
-help someone everyday/do something for someone i care about/put energy towards a good cause. while better, i need to do more!  animal shelters sound good. volunteered at a shelter, have since adopted two kittens.  now that i'm in school i'm continuing working on the rape crisis hotline.  when time allows for it (summer?) i'll want to go back to the animal rescue league.
-stop hanging out with people who are unsympathetic. wow!  finally!  when i do it, it's a good reminder of how much it sucks.
-now, i can work on hanging out with and making serious time for people who are sympathetic and understanding.
-stop hanging out with people who fuck me over on a continued basis and i forgive for no reason...don't forgive entirely just communicate, and be aware of how myself is situated in a given event getting old and not giving as much of a shit has definitely helped with this
-make something i am very proud of. this makes the list every year, but my fall semester papers i am very proud of.  so, 2014: make something else i am very proud of.
-write more/read more for leisure. i completed the 5 book goal, but time to read fiction/fantasy/for fun.
-go with my gut.  and be okay with what you have done and forgive yourself for what you will do--mistakes are inevitable while i have done this, it has resulted in a lot of impulsive choices. most of which i am happy about, but some just eat away at me. although making the list again this year, i will exercise discretion on what state my "gut" is it when it is trying to do something. repeat for 2014.
-be more observant.
-know the size and the space i occupy.
-expand my already noxious vocabulary...i will continue to simultaneously proliferate and hone my written and verbal capacity to most directly deploy meaning. HA yeah, do this again but no excuse to be an asshat.
-don't be so judgmental. while i have largely gotten better, i find i have become very short with some people who approach me the wrong way. i need to be kinder and remember not everyone has had the same experiences that i have, and me telling someone to "fuck off no ones trying to talk you anyway" doesn't have the greatest potential to catalyze life changing discussions about power and privilege.
-break the romanticized visions i have about living and certain life styles....all but a one really. and it's cuz i haven't tried it yet. while it settles at the bottom of my stomach once and while, it doesn't fester anymore.
-stop making schedules that are over the top. that did NOT happen at all fall semester...2 jobs at 40 hours/week, 5.5 classes, extra curricular, etc. spring will be better! only one job
-success on stop making crazy schedules, now stop making underwhelming schedules.  don't be lazy!   spring 2014 semester will be big for this!
-sleep more. i'll try again this year.
-dance more
-work and make a lot of cash money dolla bills.  something dancing more could help with?
-get and stay confident about what i have to say. this fluctuates, but being asked to speak helps. time to get out of my comfort zone.  this has become less pressing.
-introspection is crucial but shouldn't be so critical.
-everything is a learning experience, evaluated objectively as such, et cetra
-everything will change/things fall apart (the harder parts of learning experiences)
-quit smoking. i did between september and finals, i'll try again now.
-branch out. that didn't happen, i branched in, closer to lili, MB, and baby, closer to random belmont kids in my attempt at branching out, i branched in again.  and am very grateful for it.  now am branching into places surrounded by "safe" people (ie school and research).  maybe time to get myself back out there a bit, it's ok to be uncomfortable.
-only smoke good nuggets
-implement full out sex-ed program by the summer. girl's night doesn't count entirely, but a good start.
-travel
-reconnect with CFSers/go to the folk festival in august....again again!
-get inspired: go to art museums, go for walks, look around, explore.   i'm am pleased to say i've been more active on this front, but i always want to keep exploring!
-make more art
-take more random mini vacations definitely do this again this year
-get really flexible. i'm doing bikram yoga these days and i'm pretty bendy, but i wanna do some crazy shit by next january!
-go to the UN in february and love every second of it
-better disentangle my thoughts and construct a rational proceeding course of action
-spend a while off facebook. this goal should be a three month stint at a time that it is reasonable for it to occur been facebook free one year!
-spend a while off tumblr. it eats my soul/makes me depressed.  the world is a tough place sometimes, and it's okay to take a break.
-spend more time inside my body and interacting with reality then getting lost in my thoughts because 1) it's impossible to have a conversation without sounding like an elitist prick 2) it contributes to my over thinking things 3) i am happier
-cook more! make myself and friends five (5) amazing and complex dinners.
-just because everything has an allegorical meaning doesn't mean everyone wants to talk about it--goes with knowing the space/size i occupy :)
-love people and let them love you back.  paranoia, loneliness, and self deprecation do not have a place in relationships.   people care about you, believe them, let them know you love them back this i was really concerned about.  i'm proud to say i've made progress!  always remember and work on this though.
-do not perceive pressure when there isn't any.  do not live in your past.  it's hard when so much work right now is about dealing with my past.  however, i think i'm improving.
-shift general framework from the punitive to the positive, i.e. "perceive warmth and support and embrace it.  engage with your present and for your future", rather than what was stated above
-don't be so fucking over dramatic
-let things go.  maybe carry around a little book to write in.  just something to get the thoughts off your chest in a harmless way.  better, but still difficult.
-drink more tea and take multi vitamins
-stop consuming aspertame.  no more splenda, decrease diet coke consumption continue this
-figure out why you shifted from "me" and "I" to "you" over the last two years when writing your resolution list.  hmm.
-when you move, take care of your room and your space.  paint, put pictures up.  ideally, rooms are sanctuaries--not storage spaces.  haven't moved yet, but did a deep cleaning of my room the other day!  remember this for future reference.
-get out of worcester.  there's nothing left for you here except a few close (wonderful, dear) friends.  you will make new ones
-graduate school
-start that process by dealing with the GREs
-buy a massage table
-learn reiki/better massage techniques.  decided i don't want to learn reiki.  however, i want to get my massage certification [10 year plan?]
-get personal trainer certification [10 year plan?]
-get a health teacher certification [10 year plan?]
-work on back/arms at the gym.
-make tons of smoothies.
-go to therapy.  worst thing that happens is it doesn't work, and you stop great choice!  continue
-do month by month planning.  the best way to do this is wall calendar.  go to staples and explore options
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
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2011 and revamped for 2013  
11:11am 02/01/2013
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
-get the tattoo i want in replacement of piercing or vice versa. ot my lip done in  2011.  bored again.
-continue to be decisive, especially in regards to school and work, and relationships...must continue to communicate choices better
-declare a major however, double majoring is ruining my life, so might change depending on discussion with FA about law school and trinidad experience...success! great discussion, left with a double major and minor with reasonable direction if not fairly solid plans
-after discussion, appropriate research in decided direction
-continue to enjoy personal oxymoronic tendencies. while this has been steady, i need to shake paranoia.
-play more (harmless!!!!!! and not annoying!!!!!) tricks...still a little overbearing at times, but learning.
-continue my healthy eating and gym routine but not drop my b.m.i. below 18.5 or 122 lbs (currently 19.5-6/129 lbs)...and maintaining personal awareness of potentially compulsive behavior. i want to start being more vegan again (working in an italian restaurant didn't bode well for that lifestyle.  healthy eating.
-watch more u.c.b
-go on a road trip and have it not fall through. seriously. fuck extenuating circumstances.
-write down music i hear and like and download it asap instead of baking out and forgetting...been good, mostly.
-help someone everyday/do something for someone i care about/put energy towards a good cause. while better, i need to do more!  animal shelters sound good.
-stop hanging out with people who are unsympathetic.
-stop hanging out with people who fuck me over on a continued basis and i forgive for no reason...don't forgive entirely just communicate, and be aware of how myself is situated in a given event  getting old and not giving as much of a shit has definitely helped with this
-make something i am very proud of.
-write more/read more for leisure. i completed the 5 book goal, but time to read fiction/fantasy/for fun.
-go with my gut.  and be okay with what you have done and forgive yourself for what you will do--mistakes are inevitable while i have done this, it has resulted in a lot of impulsive choices. most of which i am happy about, but some just eat away at me. although making the list again this year, i will excersise discretion on what state my "gut" is it when it is trying to do something.
-be more observant. 
-know the size and the space i occupy.
-expand my already noxious vocabulary...i will continue to simultaneously proliferate and hone my written and verbal capacity to most directly deploy meaning. HA  yeah, do this again but no excuse to be an asshat.
-don't be so judgmental. while i have largely gotten better, i find i have become very short with some people who approach me the wrong way. i need to be kinder and remember not everyone has had the same experiences that i have, and me telling someone to "fuck off no ones trying to talk you anyway" doesn't have the greatest potential to catalyze life changing discussions about power and privilege.
-break the romanticized visions i have about living and certain life styles....all but a one really. and it's cuz i haven't tried it yet. while it settles at the bottom of my stomach once and while, it doesn't fester anymore.
-stop making schedules that are over the top. that did NOT happen at all fall semester...2 jobs at 40 hours/week, 5.5 classes, extra curricular, etc. spring will be better! only one job
-success on stop making crazy schedules, now stop making underwhelming schedules.  don't be lazy!
-sleep more. i'll try again this year.
-dance more
-work and make a lot of cash money dolla bills.  something dancing more could help with?
-get and stay confident about what i have to say. this fluctuates, but being asked to speak helps. time to get out of my comfort zone.  this has become less pressing.  
-introspection is crucial but shouldn't be so critical.
-everything is a learning experience, evaluated objectively as such, et cetra
-everything will change/things fall apart (the harder parts of learning experiences)
-quit smoking. i did between september and finals, i'll try again now.
-branch out. that didn't happen, i branched in, closer to lili, MB, and baby, closer to random belmont kids  in my attempt at branching out, i branched in again.  and am very grateful for it.
-implement full out sex-ed program by the summer. girl's night doesn't count entirely, but a good start.
-travel
-reconnect with CFSers/go to the folk festival in august....again again!
-get inspired: go to art museums, go for walks, look around, explore.
-make more art
-take more random mini vacations  definitely do this again this year
-get really flexible. i'm doing bikram yoga these days and i'm pretty bendy, but i wanna do some crazy shit by next january!
-go to the UN in february and love every second of it
-better disentangle my thoughts and construct a rational proceeding course of action
-spend a while off facebook. this goal should be a three month stint at a time that it is reasonable for it to occur
-spend a while off tumblr.  it eats my soul/makes me depressed.  the world is a tough place sometimes, and it's okay to take a break.
-spend more time inside my body and interacting with reality then getting lost in my thought because 1) it's impossible to have a conversation without sounding like an elitist prick 2) it contributes to my over thinking things 3) i am happier
-cook more! make myself and friends five (5) amazing and complex dinners. 
-just because everything has an allegorical meaning doesn't mean everyone wants to talk about it--goes with knowing the space/size i occupy :)
-love people and let them love you back.  paranoia, loneliness, and self deprecation do not have a place in relationships.   people care about you, believe them, let them know you love them back
-do not perceive pressure when there isn't any.  do not live in your past
-shift general framework from the punative to the positive, i.e. "percieve warmth and support and embrace it.  engage with your present and for your future", rather than what was stated above
-don't be so fucking over dramatic
-let things go.  maybe carry around a little book to write in.  just something to get the thoughts off your chest in a harmless way.
-drink more tea and take multi vitamins
-stop consuming aspertame.  no more splenda, decrease diet coke consumption
-figure out why you shifted from "me" and "I" to "you" over the last two years when writing your resolution list.  hmm
-when you move, take care of your room and your space.  paint, put pictures up.  ideally, rooms are sanctuaries--not storage spaces.
-get out of worcester.  there's nothing left for you here except a few close (wonderful, dear) friends.  you will make new ones
-graduate school
-start that process by dealing with the GREs
-buy a massage table
-learn reiki/better massage techniques
-go to therapy.  worst thing that happens is it doesn't work, and you stop
-do month by month planning.  the best way to do this is wall calendar.  go to staples and explore options
music: rjd2
 
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(no subject)  
08:33pm 09/05/2011
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
 run today was amazing.  approximately 3 paragraphs and some editing away from being done with undergrad.  today i spent all day dozing before leaving for a run in light evening rain with a sunset that was absolutely to die for and sunlight through leaves on the same path i used to walk in high school on and then do my 3.5 miles on when i started running and then abandoned it for my 7-10 and now i'm old and tired and my knees can't take it like they used to so i'm back again right where i started on shuffle with my ipod i never update with mirah and yeah yeah yeahs and death cab and piebald and imogen heap and nada surf and i ran past myself over and over again and what a way to cycle through and every time i make i make it back to jelliott because he listens and he shares and is my surrogate dad when i'm 45 minutes away from the most amazing of real ones 
 
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religious experiences  
08:16pm 10/04/2011
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
 "nothing bores me more than my own orgasms"

nightmarebrunette.tumblr.com/
 
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autobiography of red  
09:27am 23/03/2011
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
 When Geryon was little he loved to sleep but he loved even more to wake up.
He would run outside in his pajamas.

The word each blew towards him and came apart in the wind.  Geryon had always had this trouble: a word like each,
when he stared at it, it would disassemble itself into separate letters and go
A space for its meaning remained their but blank

---


6 weeks.
 
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clap your hands  
08:39am 17/01/2011
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
I wanna be your love
I wanna make you cry
And sweep you off your feet

I wanna hurt your pride
I wanna slap your face
I wanna paint your nails
I wanna make you scream
I wanna braid your hair
I wanna kiss your friends
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna dress the same
I wanna defend you
I wanna squeeze your thighs
I wanna kiss your eyelids
And corrupt your dreams

I wanna crash your car
I wanna scratch your cheeks
I wanna make you sick
I wanna sell you out
Want to expose your flaws

I wanna steal your things
I wanna show you off
I wanna tell you lies
I wanna write you books
I wanna turn you on
I wanna make you come
200 times a day

I wanna dry your tears
Every time you're sad
I wanna be what's happening
I wanna be your only friend
I only go all the way

This time I'm not pretending
I can't take the trash
Your trashy friends are spreading about us
They got like fifty personalities
Oh girl, that's so messed up
You see that sculpture on the hill
That's where she queered me out
Forever
They're monitoring my self conscious massacres, I know
Bringing it closer to the surface so it's easily pervertable

I want to be a beast
I want to make you proud
And play with your head
I want to take you out
Make you feel adored
And buy you everything
I want to hurt you bad
Make you paranoid
And say the sweetest things
I want to help you grow
And for eternity
I want to be your what's happening
What's happening
 
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2011  
10:39pm 29/12/2010
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
 2010 & revamped 11
-get the tattoo i want in replacement of piercing or vice versa...i think i'm all set with my ears and nose and navel     just kidding got my left tragus done in may 
-continue to be decisive, especially in regards to school and work, and relationships...must continue to communicate choices better
-declare a major however, double majoring is ruining my life, so might change depending on discussion with FA about law school and trinidad experience...success!  great discussion, left with a double major and minor with reasonable direction if not fairly solid plans
-after discussion, appropriate research in decided direction
-continue to enjoy personal oxymoronic tendencies.  while this has been steady, i need to shake paranoia.  
-play more (harmless!!!!!! and not annoying!!!!!) tricks...still a little overbearing at times, but learning.
-continue my healthy eating and gym routine but not drop my b.m.i. below 18.5 or 122 lbs (currently 19.5-6/129 lbs)...and maintaining personal awareness of potentially compulsive behavior.  i want to start being more vegan again (working in an italian restaurant didn't bode well for that lifestyle)
-watch more u.c.b.....try again
-go on a road trip and have it not fall through.  seriously.  fuck extenuating circumstances.
-write down music i hear and like and download it asap instead of baking out and forgetting
-help someone everyday/do something for someone i care about/put energy towards a good cause.  while better, i need to do more!
-stop hanging out with people who are unsympathetic
-stop hanging out with people who fuck me over on a continued basis and i forgive for no reason...don't forgive entirely just communicate, and be aware of how myself is situated in a given event.
-make something i am very proud of....more papers and research!
-write more/read more for leisure. especially because i keep re-reading specific books and not finishing new ones.  i did a lot of less "academic" writing for the short story, but need to start journaling again.  also got some (new!) leisure reading done, but only like 3.5 books...5 at least for next year!
-go with my gut.  while i have done this, it has resulted in a lot of impulsive choices.  most of which i am happy about, but some just eat away at me.  although making the list again this year, i will excersise discretion on what state my "gut" is it when it is trying to do something. 
-be more observant.  hm.  better?  barely.
-know my size and the space i occupy...i will avoid a lot of clumsy accidents doing this.  i could lie, but the bruise on my shin from walking into a car two nights ago begs to differ.
-expand my already noxious vocabulary...i will continue to simultaneously proliferate and hone my written and verbal capacity to most directly deploy meaning. HA.
-don't be so judgmental. while i have largely gotten better, i find i have become very short with some people who approach me the wrong way.  i need to be kinder and remember not everyone has had the same experiences that i have, and me telling someone to "fuck off no ones trying to talk you anyway" doesn't have the greatest potential to catalyze life changing discussions about power and privilege.  
-break the romanticized visions i have about living and certain life styles....all but a one really.  and it's cuz i haven't tried it yet.   while it settles at the bottom of my stomach once and while, it doesn't fester anymore.
-stop making schedules that are over the top.  that did NOT happen at all fall semester...2 jobs at 40 hours/week, 5.5 classes, extra curricular, etc.  spring will be better!  only one job =)
-sleep more.  i'll try again this year.
-dance more
-work and make a lot of cash money dolla bills
-get and stay confident about what i have to say. this fluctuates, but being asked to speak helps.  time to get out of my comfort zone
-introspection is crucial but shouldn't be so critical
-everything is a learning experience, evaluated objectively as such, et cetra
-everything will change/things fall apart (the harder parts of learning experiences)
-quit smoking.  i did between september and finals, i'll try again now.
-branch out.  that didn't happen, i branched in, closer to lili, MB, and baby, closer to random belmont kids.
-implement full out sex-ed program by the summer.  girl's night doesn't count entirely, but a good start.
-get waitressing job of some description in worcester
-go somewhere amazing over the summer/kezar lake, went to trinidad in january so there.  hopefully travelling this summer!
-reconnect with CFSers/go to the folk festival in august....again again!
-get inspired, stay inspired, actualize inspiration
-make more art
-take more random mini vacations, love VT and NY foreverr.  yes, i count westford MA as a mini vacation.
-get really flexible.  i'm doing bikram yoga these days and i'm pretty bendy, but  i wanna do some crazy shit by next january!
-go to the UN in february and love every second of it
-better disentangle my thoughts and construct a rational proceeding course of action
-spend a while off facebook.  this goal should be a three month stint at a time that it is reasonable for it to occur
-spend more time inside my body and interacting with reality then getting lost in my thought because 1) it's impossible to have a conversation without sounding like an elitist prick 2) it contributes to my over thinking things 3) i am happier 
-cook more!  make myself and friends five (5) amazing and complex dinners.  so sick of pasta and microwave brocollli!!
-just because everything has an allegorical meaning doesn't mean everyone wants to talk about it--goes with knowing the space/size i occupy :)
 
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omg  
11:06pm 25/11/2010
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
in february 2011 i will be a delegate representing the women's international league for peace and freedom at the united nations conference in new york city.


fuck.  yes.
 
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holds  
08:36am 12/11/2010
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.
i can't believe i registered for undergraduate classes for the last time. i simply can't believe it. i can't believe i will graduate on time, with high decorated honors, with a double major and full minor (knock on wood, for all the above, of course). i can't believe what has happened this last four years. i can't imagine leaving the people i've built a home with for so long, i can't imagine leaving worcester and the B&G club, and the RCC, and PPLM. i can't believe that my professors like me enough to go out to eat with me, let me baby sit their kids, i can't believe i have friends who jointly value and are impressed with each other so much.  

and i can't believe that everything has changed,
more importantly everything stays the same.
 
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songs to lie in your bed and stare at the ceiling to  
08:31am 12/11/2010
 
 
(aurora) heather ann.



</lj-embed>
 
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